Flashback

Around this time of the year, I'm often mixed with two feelings, excitement and frustration. Excitement because the holidays are coming up and the time for gatherings and parties are just around the corner, but frustration because I know it is this time of the year when insomnia hits me for some reason.

Tonight is one of those nights where I am frustrated going to sleep. As I sit awake on my laptop typing away hoping that I will eventually feel tired enough to fall asleep, I think of how tired I will be tomorrow and how I can allow myself back to sleep within the next hour or so (hopefully). Ultimately, I am thinking of how tired I will be tomorrow for my final exam...

...that's when I remember this year is a little different. There is a purpose to my sleep, I need energy to do well on my 3 hour Calculus exam at 8:30am in the morning. The more I think about it, the more anxious I become, the harder it is for me to get the rest I need for tomorrow.

Tonight somewhat reminds me of one of those very long nights a year ago after being physically assaulted by my best friend. She was my everything for 3 years. I was extremely dependent on her. We used to do everything together, from eating lunch to having sleepovers. But because of her mother's views, we were forced to part ways in our friendship, in the worst way possible. Our nearly perfect friendship turned into a nightmare. We began to argue, to fight, and ultimately, to inflict emotional pain on each other. Although I told her that I loved just the way she was to make myself a decent being, I secretly always hated her. I couldn't express my own feelings, neither could she. When we somehow did, we simply dismissed each others thoughts. Somehow this boiled down to one surprise attack, and both of lives changed forever.

After the incident, I experienced anxiety. At school, I was afraid of bumping into her or her friends, ultimately getting hurt again. At home, I was afraid that she would text me. At night, I worried about what will happen the next day at school. It was terrible, I was living in constant fear. Thankfully, I got help early and started my road to recovery 3 days after the incident.

Tonight feels like one of those nights, except without the fear. With my sleeplessness tonight, I have the time to reflect on myself. Have I completely moved on yet? Where am I today in terms of my emotional wellbeing? I've come to realized that I am still gradually letting go of what had happened, even though I no longer live in constant fear nor feel extremely sad about the incident. I still miss being close to someone, but I know that I can no longer be emotionally dependent on them. I've gotten to learn more about myself, but I know that there are still a lot to learn as time goes on. I am getting stronger everyday, but I am still a work in progress.

Learn to Stop

In my previous post I mentioned that I started driving lessons but ended somewhat abruptly. Indeed, very abruptly. I stopped my driving lessons 1 day before my scheduled driving exam...and cancelled my driving exam on the very same day as well.

I know many of you would ask me, why would I do such a thing? Why would I waste my time, effort, and money on something that I will simply stop doing? There are actually many reasons for this.

My family does not own a car and has not owned one for at least the last decade. My mom simply hated driving and never had the financial capability to own and maintain a car. Therefore, I never really had a chance to experience what it is like to have a very convenient method of transportation at any period of time, at any time of the day. The only exception to this is when I am with friends and relatives who do drive. There was simply no motivation to do it.

I felt that I was learning to drive simply for the sake of fitting with social norms. I like driving to some extent, however, my enjoyment of driving is not to the extent where I would wake up excited to be on the road. The only positive feeling I felt was when someone asked me if I have my license yet, to which I simply answer, "Oh, I'm learning how to right now," and divert the conversation to another topic. From this fact alone, I doubted my reason to continue my lessons, especially my willingness to take the driving exam and pass it. At the same time, I feared being judged by my friends and family, and all the possible consequences to my career, academics, or even my health in general.

Yet, despite my worries, I ended my lessons one day before my scheduled exam, because I wanted to stay true to myself and to what I believe in, by reason and intuition. I learned to stop doing something that I had no motivation for. I learned to stop doing something that I was doing only for the sake of fitting in with social norms.

But at the end of the day, I will pick up driving again; sometime in the future, when the time is right.

New Beginning

Sorry for not posting lately...can't believe its been more than 3 months already since I last posted! Since September, it has been very busy with the new school year. However, unlike the past, this is my very first school year in University. I have been using the past 3 months to get used to the expectations and work load. I must say, it was a lot harder than I expected! Aside from making the big leap between high school and University, I had also attempted to get my driver's license (I ultimately failed, but you will see why in the upcoming posts).

One of the biggest challenges for me for the last 3 months was definitely time management. Often, I find myself studying for hours, struggling to keep up with my endless work load. At times, I would literally be working the moment I am off class and studying until bedtime (and by bed time, I mean 2AM). This caused me to have no time to relax whatsoever. Although I am gradually getting better at time management, I do continue to struggle to find time for myself, whether that be an hour or two at the gym for a workout session or simply down time to do things I like, such as blogging.

I guess...I still need a lot of improvements to get back to where I used to be in terms of my energy and happiness level...

Trail Blaze

View from Stanley Park

Just a few days ago, I was able to embark on an hour long bike ride along Stanley Park. Generally speaking, the trial along the park and back down to Coal Harbour is quite straight forward. With no rugged pathways and well paved and managed cyclist lanes, all bikers of all levels can easily complete the route without any difficulty. In fact, it is almost impossible to get lost on this trail since it is one-way only, with signs along the way to guide you to wherever you are going. The Seawall and Stanley Park trail is a good place to bike along before the end of this summer!

Open End

The last few weeks have been a little bit rough. No, not because of school (school hasn't started yet), but because of challenges with balancing work and life. Thankfully, I was able to relieve some of my everyday stress through a hike at Quarry Rock. This wonderful trail consists of a few bumps and slopes; nothing too challenging. Nonetheless, there are a few tricky parts where you need to think of the best way possible to continue the trail. The trail eventually leads to a beautiful scenery of the Indian Arm. What a good way to relax and to enjoy nature!

The view at the top of Quarry Rock often reminds me of the endless amount of opportunities that lie ahead in our future after enduring years of hard work. I often see this in our education system, whether from Kindergarten to Grade 12, or in post secondary education. While in school, like many other students, I often ponder this very common question: what is the point of studying day and night? Is it simply to get a piece of paper that says I graduated, or is there a more meaningful purpose than that? This is similar to the long hike before reaching the fantastic view on the rock: is it worth it to hike all the way to the top and back? What can I do at the end of the hike? In both scenarios, it works out to be much more than I could ever imagine. On the top of rock is an unforgettable scenery, with the opportunity to look miles beyond the shoreline. In education, it is a world of opportunities that you'll uncover that will contribute to your growth professionally (through memorable work experiences) along with your knowledge of your home, society, and universe.

So never think that what your doing is pointless...the opportunities that lie ahead are endless!!!

Struggles Through Stairs

This summer, I decided to conquer the Grouse Grind, one of the hardest trails in Metro Vancouver, once again for the 10th time over the last 2 years. However, I still experience the same mentality while going up those stairs, even to this date:

For the 1/4, I regret making the decision to walk up the mountain..

At the half way point, I am mentally and physically exhausted...

At the 3/4 mark, I tell myself that I'm almost there, and that I don't have much to go (at this point, my calves are killing me, and most of my water is gone)

At the finish line, I feel so proud of myself for accomplishing this challenging task of completing the Grouse Grind that I want to do it all over again.

...and trust me, this happens to most people in some way or form.

But overtime, I've discovered that life is somewhat like the Grouse Grind in almost every challenge or obstacle that one must overcome in order to become successful. For myself, this can be seen through my academic life. As a student, I choose to undergo years of education in order to be successful in life. Very similar to my first time conquering the Grind, I enter the path into a destiny filled with uncertainty and excitement; unknown of the challenges that will lie ahead, yet curious of the rewards that lie at the end of the path. In the  first few steps into the path, I convince myself that it is not too bad. But, as I continue onto the first section of the path, I realize that it is not as easy as it seems. With immense amounts of studying, endless nights of completing assignments and essays, and day after day of preparing for tests and exams, my path to getting a Dogwood Diploma from high school seems to be almost unattainable. Sometimes, it almost seems impossible. Yet, despite the stress I put on myself to achieve this goal, I somehow keep on going. Finally, with great pride, I was able to achieve my goal just a month ago: I graduated out of high school with honours and a few scholarships. Now, as a graduated high school student, I restart my journey in my education again as I prepare to endure an additional four years to obtain my BBA degree. Although I am unsure and a little afraid of what lies ahead, I know that achieving my goal will not only enhance my skills, but also to help me grow as a person. Most importantly, I am determined to achieve that sense of pride, of accomplishment, within myself, once again. Thus, I embark on the long, difficult journey once again to seek the ultimate goal at the end of the path: a Bachelor's degree.

Whether it be the Grouse Grind, education, or anything that you are hoping to achieve, just remember to keep on going forward and never give up along the path towards your dreams. No matter how hard the journey is, keep on pushing forward; because your ultimate prize is waiting for you to be claimed at the end of the path, filled with proof of your strength to overcome challenges, and your determination to succeed. 

Posts Coming Soon!

First post coming soon! Stay tuned!

Welcome!

Hi Everyone! Welcome to my blog! After discovering the joys of blogging through an English project, I decided to make my own blog :) Through this blog, I will share with you some of my many adventures I've had or will be having in my hometown, country, or even in the world. Thanks for visiting!