Tonight is one of those nights where I am frustrated going to sleep. As I sit awake on my laptop typing away hoping that I will eventually feel tired enough to fall asleep, I think of how tired I will be tomorrow and how I can allow myself back to sleep within the next hour or so (hopefully). Ultimately, I am thinking of how tired I will be tomorrow for my final exam...
...that's when I remember this year is a little different. There is a purpose to my sleep, I need energy to do well on my 3 hour Calculus exam at 8:30am in the morning. The more I think about it, the more anxious I become, the harder it is for me to get the rest I need for tomorrow.
Tonight somewhat reminds me of one of those very long nights a year ago after being physically assaulted by my best friend. She was my everything for 3 years. I was extremely dependent on her. We used to do everything together, from eating lunch to having sleepovers. But because of her mother's views, we were forced to part ways in our friendship, in the worst way possible. Our nearly perfect friendship turned into a nightmare. We began to argue, to fight, and ultimately, to inflict emotional pain on each other. Although I told her that I loved just the way she was to make myself a decent being, I secretly always hated her. I couldn't express my own feelings, neither could she. When we somehow did, we simply dismissed each others thoughts. Somehow this boiled down to one surprise attack, and both of lives changed forever.
After the incident, I experienced anxiety. At school, I was afraid of bumping into her or her friends, ultimately getting hurt again. At home, I was afraid that she would text me. At night, I worried about what will happen the next day at school. It was terrible, I was living in constant fear. Thankfully, I got help early and started my road to recovery 3 days after the incident.
Tonight feels like one of those nights, except without the fear. With my sleeplessness tonight, I have the time to reflect on myself. Have I completely moved on yet? Where am I today in terms of my emotional wellbeing? I've come to realized that I am still gradually letting go of what had happened, even though I no longer live in constant fear nor feel extremely sad about the incident. I still miss being close to someone, but I know that I can no longer be emotionally dependent on them. I've gotten to learn more about myself, but I know that there are still a lot to learn as time goes on. I am getting stronger everyday, but I am still a work in progress.
No comments:
Post a Comment