Flashback

Around this time of the year, I'm often mixed with two feelings, excitement and frustration. Excitement because the holidays are coming up and the time for gatherings and parties are just around the corner, but frustration because I know it is this time of the year when insomnia hits me for some reason.

Tonight is one of those nights where I am frustrated going to sleep. As I sit awake on my laptop typing away hoping that I will eventually feel tired enough to fall asleep, I think of how tired I will be tomorrow and how I can allow myself back to sleep within the next hour or so (hopefully). Ultimately, I am thinking of how tired I will be tomorrow for my final exam...

...that's when I remember this year is a little different. There is a purpose to my sleep, I need energy to do well on my 3 hour Calculus exam at 8:30am in the morning. The more I think about it, the more anxious I become, the harder it is for me to get the rest I need for tomorrow.

Tonight somewhat reminds me of one of those very long nights a year ago after being physically assaulted by my best friend. She was my everything for 3 years. I was extremely dependent on her. We used to do everything together, from eating lunch to having sleepovers. But because of her mother's views, we were forced to part ways in our friendship, in the worst way possible. Our nearly perfect friendship turned into a nightmare. We began to argue, to fight, and ultimately, to inflict emotional pain on each other. Although I told her that I loved just the way she was to make myself a decent being, I secretly always hated her. I couldn't express my own feelings, neither could she. When we somehow did, we simply dismissed each others thoughts. Somehow this boiled down to one surprise attack, and both of lives changed forever.

After the incident, I experienced anxiety. At school, I was afraid of bumping into her or her friends, ultimately getting hurt again. At home, I was afraid that she would text me. At night, I worried about what will happen the next day at school. It was terrible, I was living in constant fear. Thankfully, I got help early and started my road to recovery 3 days after the incident.

Tonight feels like one of those nights, except without the fear. With my sleeplessness tonight, I have the time to reflect on myself. Have I completely moved on yet? Where am I today in terms of my emotional wellbeing? I've come to realized that I am still gradually letting go of what had happened, even though I no longer live in constant fear nor feel extremely sad about the incident. I still miss being close to someone, but I know that I can no longer be emotionally dependent on them. I've gotten to learn more about myself, but I know that there are still a lot to learn as time goes on. I am getting stronger everyday, but I am still a work in progress.

Learn to Stop

In my previous post I mentioned that I started driving lessons but ended somewhat abruptly. Indeed, very abruptly. I stopped my driving lessons 1 day before my scheduled driving exam...and cancelled my driving exam on the very same day as well.

I know many of you would ask me, why would I do such a thing? Why would I waste my time, effort, and money on something that I will simply stop doing? There are actually many reasons for this.

My family does not own a car and has not owned one for at least the last decade. My mom simply hated driving and never had the financial capability to own and maintain a car. Therefore, I never really had a chance to experience what it is like to have a very convenient method of transportation at any period of time, at any time of the day. The only exception to this is when I am with friends and relatives who do drive. There was simply no motivation to do it.

I felt that I was learning to drive simply for the sake of fitting with social norms. I like driving to some extent, however, my enjoyment of driving is not to the extent where I would wake up excited to be on the road. The only positive feeling I felt was when someone asked me if I have my license yet, to which I simply answer, "Oh, I'm learning how to right now," and divert the conversation to another topic. From this fact alone, I doubted my reason to continue my lessons, especially my willingness to take the driving exam and pass it. At the same time, I feared being judged by my friends and family, and all the possible consequences to my career, academics, or even my health in general.

Yet, despite my worries, I ended my lessons one day before my scheduled exam, because I wanted to stay true to myself and to what I believe in, by reason and intuition. I learned to stop doing something that I had no motivation for. I learned to stop doing something that I was doing only for the sake of fitting in with social norms.

But at the end of the day, I will pick up driving again; sometime in the future, when the time is right.